Full circle

This past week or two I feel as if I am at a place, where everything is good. It's never going to be 100%, but better than a place I was a year ago.

Just over a year ago, I was spilling my unstable guts at the doctors, in a fit of tears and mental anguish. As a result I've been on Mirtazapine, a drug for depression and anxiety. It's had its first birthday, and I am ready to begin weaning myself of the drugs. Quite frankly I am sick of being fat. One of the downfalls, is that the drug slows metabolism, and the cruel side effect, ironically,  is wanting to eat more!

The last month, I have been on a health kick, I've been eating so much better and am walking at least four nights a week.

I've been cooking dinner earlier, and then getting out on my own going for walks, while Brett deals with the girls. It's been just what I needed. I am feeling so much better for it, along with the healthy eating.

I have felt like it was selfish, but it's not. I need to make time for me. To do something for me.

Last Thursday was a pupil free day and Friday a school closure, for the Adelaide Show of all things. We live 430 kms form Adelaide, Riddick! Isabel joined us for playgroup at her old kindy on Friday.

I started this year with the mantra 'No guilt'. I make sure to keep telling myself that, for I do not need to feel guilty for doing things for me.

I keep this in mind as I pound the pavement. I do wonder though, if anyone else counts steps as they walk! I subconsciously count steps as I walk. It's weird. I do a lot of thinking when I am walking, probably too much.

I am hoping that walking at dusk, the magpies are going to sleep. I am so not looking forward to the magpies swooping. That would suck.

I can barely keep my eyes open as I type. The past couple of nights I have stayed up way too late watching Julia Roberts movies. Both of which have made me cry at the end. Which probably has more to do with the wine, than anything else, but they both had sad and emotional endings! I am yet again staying up way too late watching movies again. 

I've given myself a break on the weekends mostly, and have not walked, but drunk wine.
I have put off writing my Monday #openslather post. As usual I leave it to the last minute, mostly done the night before (so I wrote this last night!).

We spent a great father's day shopping at Bunnings, the girls crafted and had face paintings. We bought a new BBQ. We hit Kmart. Brett bought a new bike, and the girls got some new clothes. I am just happy with the new BBQ :)

How have you been feeling lately?
Do you count your steps while you walk? I am quite proud of being a weirdo ;)

An InLinkz Link-up

Five things to have instead of a biscuit binge

Some of you may remember me babbling on about trying to lose weight. Well it worked somewhat. I lost 9 kilos, but put four back on. I am extremely shit at keeping it off, so I'm on the 'stop eating crap' bandwagon ....again.

So what's my downfall. It's not chocolate, I am not much of a chocoholic, I don't keep a stash in the house, but I wouldn't say no. 

I do like potato chips. And ice cream. But I don't have them much. Hubby likes to have them, it seems it's becoming a usual Friday night thing, and I try to stay away, sometimes badly.

My achilles heel of keeping the chub at bay, is the biscuit barrel. It's there, right in front of me when I open the pantry door, and awfully easy and convenient to twist off the lid and grab a quick snack. Just not 5 times in a row!

Five or six goes of the biscuit barrel, depending on the type of biscuit, could equate to a whole meal. Not good. Not good when there is no nutritional value and just about all those calories are from fat and sugar. 

Hoping I can practice what I preach, here's five alternatives to the dreaded 3 pm biscuit binge.

1. Get out of the kitchen, away from the pantry and take a bottle of water. Drink it.
2. Grab some fruit. Apple, orange, pear, watermelon. Keep the fruit bowl stocked.
3. Eat a carrot, or cut it up with celery, cucumber, capsicum. Use cottage cheese for a dip, if plain vegies are too boring.
4. A tub of yogurt. Try some chia seeds mixed through. (Try it, you'll like it). 
5. Nibble on a healthy handful of nuts and seeds, like almonds and pepitas.

Take your time. Chew. Appreciate the flavour, texture. Sit, let it settle. 

What do you do when your 3pm cravings set in? What is your diet undoing?

Changing habits...or...My pants are too tight.

My size fourteens are feeling uncomfortable, I am not feeling good about it. The only alternative, besides watching what I eat and walking, is to buy size 16 and I am not having it!

I can't blame it on motherhood, however before I had the girls, I was a happy, confident size 10. I have let myself go.

I am not aiming for size 10 again, it would be fantastic, but I would be setting myself up for failure. Just a size 12, so the clothes I have fit, I feel confident and comfortable in them, along with my own skin. With less weight , more confidence in my appearance, other parts of my life will become easier to deal with. I know this. But just like giving up smoking, my head has to be in the right space. I am close, if not there.

The first step, small but substantially big enough, is cutting down on sugar. I have recently, well in the past 6 months or so, started drinking coffee. For the longest time I have been a tea drinker. Black, no sugar. I am sure the extra milk(I liked it milky), and the sugar(two) have been slowly making their impact. The first mouthful of a coffee with no sugar didn't appeal to me at all, I tipped it down the sink and made a black tea. Hello old friend. It felt and tasted right. I have been a cranky, irritable and short tempered bitch today. 

The second step is to make sure I am drinking at least a litre and a half of water, every day.

Thirdly, I need to check my food intake in between meals. NO picking at the kids leftovers! It is so easy to shove bits and pieces in when I'm cleaning up. Stay away from the biscuit barrel! Instead of having something healthy like fruit, I will graze out of the biscuit barrel, and then think, I need a coffee to go with that, and grab a couple more biscuits! I need to change my habits. 

I'm a smoker who doesn't smoke right now....

Day 1

It's a very difficult thing to admit to people. I'm pretty good at hiding it, I fool myself because the smell would give it away. I'm used to the smell, I live with it, I don't notice it, I forget it. But the people around me notice it, they smell it on my clothes, on my breath. I'm sure.

The last time I tried to give up was seventeen years ago. I succeeded....for seven years. I have been a willing smoker for the last ten years. Not something I am proud of. Not something I have shouted from the rooftops. I'm ready. I am in the right mindset, kind of. I've had tears, blubbering from the withdrawal. I laughed at myself for it, knowing full well why I felt down and why I was carrying on like a big baby. It's only day one....as I write this I have survived 32 hours without a fag. I have a long friggin way to go.

I need to do this, for me, for my kids, for our bank account, for my life.

Day 2
I've been getting out of the house and doing more walking

Day 3

So far so good. I have drinking a lot of coffee. I have realised the most stressful part of my day is from five o'clock onwards. The tea time rush, the kids turn to shit at this time of day. Summer doesn't want to go to sleep tonight, it's almost 11 and she is still awake. After two hours of trying to get her to sleep she is sitting on the bean bag watching the Wiggles. I had a cry because I haven't had a break from the kids all day and this is meant to be my time. 

I was tempted to buy a bottle of wine earlier this week as my wind down at the end of the day. I was wary though, and haven't done it, I don't want to replace one demon for another. The reason I started smoking cigarettes ten years ago, was to replace smoking pot. I don't want to make another mistake. I do realise here I am delving into too much information about myself all at once, I may be judged, but I'm painting the whole picture. 

81 hrs = no fags. I feel good physically, breathing easier, I notice it at night time especially. My skin looks better. Mentally, it's taking a toll, I expected that. I'm rewarding myself big time at the end of the week!! I'm tossing up between Whole Larder Loves cook book or a new dress. Lord knows I've saved the money already for the cook book!

Day 4

103 hours. Fag free. I am feeling so positive right now. I walked out of the supermarket today, there were people smoking outside and the smoke smell wasn't nice, I didn't expect that I would find it so revolting so soon. I had fears of smelling it and how I would react, would it make me want one? It didn't. It surprised me. A lady standing under the veranda of the nearby op shop was lighting up. I said to myself, that's not me.  Funnily enough the lady I usually see standing there, who works in the shop, maybe 60 odd years old wasn't. I used to think if she's that old and still smoking then I will be alright. I am such a fool, the mind has so much power, but so does the little stupid voice inside my head that says ridiculous things like that.

I did a calculator estimate thingy yesterday. It says I will save $3500 dollars a year and most importantly I will add 9 years to my life. 9 years!!!! It was like a stab in the heart seeing that figure. Imagine losing nine years with my beautiful kids, denying them of nine years with a Mum.

I am so in the zone right now, I am a smoker, I will always be one, but I don't smoke right now.

I am aware, it is only day four. I'm not sure if any, what day the hill gets steeper, this battle may get worse. A science teacher I once had said of writing essays, that you don't write 'I think.....'. If you write this, then you really don't know, and it is not convincing at all.  I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I will be alright.

Sunday afternoon will be my first goal, one week without a fag. I intend to reward myself. I KNOW I will get there. Stay tuned.