I'm a smoker who doesn't smoke right now....

Day 1

It's a very difficult thing to admit to people. I'm pretty good at hiding it, I fool myself because the smell would give it away. I'm used to the smell, I live with it, I don't notice it, I forget it. But the people around me notice it, they smell it on my clothes, on my breath. I'm sure.

The last time I tried to give up was seventeen years ago. I succeeded....for seven years. I have been a willing smoker for the last ten years. Not something I am proud of. Not something I have shouted from the rooftops. I'm ready. I am in the right mindset, kind of. I've had tears, blubbering from the withdrawal. I laughed at myself for it, knowing full well why I felt down and why I was carrying on like a big baby. It's only day one....as I write this I have survived 32 hours without a fag. I have a long friggin way to go.

I need to do this, for me, for my kids, for our bank account, for my life.

Day 2
I've been getting out of the house and doing more walking

Day 3

So far so good. I have drinking a lot of coffee. I have realised the most stressful part of my day is from five o'clock onwards. The tea time rush, the kids turn to shit at this time of day. Summer doesn't want to go to sleep tonight, it's almost 11 and she is still awake. After two hours of trying to get her to sleep she is sitting on the bean bag watching the Wiggles. I had a cry because I haven't had a break from the kids all day and this is meant to be my time. 

I was tempted to buy a bottle of wine earlier this week as my wind down at the end of the day. I was wary though, and haven't done it, I don't want to replace one demon for another. The reason I started smoking cigarettes ten years ago, was to replace smoking pot. I don't want to make another mistake. I do realise here I am delving into too much information about myself all at once, I may be judged, but I'm painting the whole picture. 

81 hrs = no fags. I feel good physically, breathing easier, I notice it at night time especially. My skin looks better. Mentally, it's taking a toll, I expected that. I'm rewarding myself big time at the end of the week!! I'm tossing up between Whole Larder Loves cook book or a new dress. Lord knows I've saved the money already for the cook book!

Day 4

103 hours. Fag free. I am feeling so positive right now. I walked out of the supermarket today, there were people smoking outside and the smoke smell wasn't nice, I didn't expect that I would find it so revolting so soon. I had fears of smelling it and how I would react, would it make me want one? It didn't. It surprised me. A lady standing under the veranda of the nearby op shop was lighting up. I said to myself, that's not me.  Funnily enough the lady I usually see standing there, who works in the shop, maybe 60 odd years old wasn't. I used to think if she's that old and still smoking then I will be alright. I am such a fool, the mind has so much power, but so does the little stupid voice inside my head that says ridiculous things like that.

I did a calculator estimate thingy yesterday. It says I will save $3500 dollars a year and most importantly I will add 9 years to my life. 9 years!!!! It was like a stab in the heart seeing that figure. Imagine losing nine years with my beautiful kids, denying them of nine years with a Mum.

I am so in the zone right now, I am a smoker, I will always be one, but I don't smoke right now.

I am aware, it is only day four. I'm not sure if any, what day the hill gets steeper, this battle may get worse. A science teacher I once had said of writing essays, that you don't write 'I think.....'. If you write this, then you really don't know, and it is not convincing at all.  I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I will be alright.

Sunday afternoon will be my first goal, one week without a fag. I intend to reward myself. I KNOW I will get there. Stay tuned.