Why worry?

Worry is not my friend. I worry about all the things. Especially after that moment my head hits the pillow. 

My issue with worry, has more to do with anxiety than anything. I spend too much overthinking things that I don't need to spend my mental energy on.

I do my best worrying when I am stressed. When my mind is under attack, all the things that I can't control take over. It extends itself to my shoulders, arms, back, stomach and legs. It can be physically and emotionally exhausting.

I worry about my adult son. He has aspergers and schizophrenia. I worry about his health, mainly his mental health. I worry that he will relapse. I worry about his future. 

I worry too much about what other people are thinking. Like the job I do at work. I worry I am not cut out to coach kids, and that I don't do a good enough job. I know this is not true, I did a fab job last year at teaching four year olds. I need to believe in myself more.

Things that help me-

• Not crossing bridges before I have come to them. Trying not worry about things that might happen, not worth it.
• Realising that everything is not as bad as I think. Things are going to happen no matter how much I worry about them. In reality everything will probably work out fine.
• Address any fears, rather than dwelling on them. It's better to get the hard things over and done with, the smaller things will seem that much easier.
• Talk to someone for a different perspective, or for encouragement.
• Taking some quiet time. Light some candles or incence. Read. Breathe. Garden.
• Write lists, and feel good about crossing off achievements. The smallest things can add up to realising my day was actually really productive. 
• A good cry is a great outlet to get rid of some anxiety and pent up stress. I find life realigns not long after the release of a good sook.
• Accept that not everything is controlable. There are some things that are uncertain and that is ok.
• Spend some time for worry and then let it pass. Life is still there to be lived. I don't want to miss out on the good things, experiences because I let worry consume me.

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Out of the mouth of babes

I didn't get my night away by myself the last weekend. It's all good, we went to the neighbours, the kids got to play til their hearts content, and I got to drink wine.

With no encouragement from me, or my other motherly neighbour, apparently we are all going to the Lake Mountain snow fields at the end of the school holidays. Four adults and five kids.

Men are their own worst enemies. A few wines and the inevitable scotch and their holiday is organised, bar the women's perspective bit, of all the fucking organisation.

I am actually looking forward to it. The last time we went to Lake Mountain, I was on the  cusp of an depression/anxiety diagnosis that Brett did not embrace. It was hard. Apparently crying half an hour into the trip, after the stress of organising all the shit for the trip on my own, was "ruining the whole fucking holiday". Yes, the man in life has less tact than a fucking grenade.

I am so ready for this shit, I am ecstatic.  I'm in a totally different frame of mind. I am going to ace this. And with my amazing mother of three under six neighbour in the cabin next door, I am going to feel so at home. The kid are going to have a ball, and me, well I am going to be having so much fun too.

We have a busy as shit school holidays, with Izzy competing in her first WAG gymnastic championship, in Adelaide, and then now, going to the snow in the second half of the holidays. 

What a ride. 

I'll be hanging on.

What is more exciting, is the Wattle Range Photography competition coming up this Friday night. I have been so looking forward to it, especially now since it was postponed a week. I have thirteen photos entered, and Izzy two. I'll be taking Izzy along with me for the opening of the exhibition. 

One of Izzys, showing people in the Wattle Range council area

I may have one too many photos featuring Summer in the exhibition, which is totes understandable. I don't have too many subjects to photograph besides my own family.

It doesn't matter whether I win anything at all. My mantra for this year was 'be brave'. This is the first year for me entering photos. I am being bold and brave, and having a go. At least, I am getting my photography out there. 

Some of the other photos, are photos of our local area, and this is what I am most excited to share with the wider world. 

Any hoo, back to gorgeous Summer. I asked her some questions via recent Facebook posts I had seen other parents post.

Here are her answers.

What is your name?  Summer
How old are you? four
When is your birthday? Junior (it's so November)
How old is  Daddy? 21, (gag, younger than my eldest son) her dad is 48.
How old is Mummy? 24 (Oh how I wish)
What is your favourite colour? Orange (such a cool colour and has been her favourite colour a long time)
What is your favourite food? Apple
Who is your best friend? Renae
What is your favourite song? Let it go
What is your favourite animal? Dolphin. News to me.
What are you scared of? Lions
What makes you happy? Funny stuff. She likes to watch funny stuff on YouTube. She has the best laugh too and a wicked sense of humour. 
Where is your favourite place to go? Swimming pool.
What do you want to be when you grow up? Shop keeper at Woolies. A couple of weeks ago this was a clothes shop. Now she has her sights set on Woolworths. 
What is Mummy's favourite thing to do? Cooking
What is Daddys favourite thing to do? Work 

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Standing in the doorway

You know really, I am a half glass full kinda person. An optimist. 

I'm one of those 'she'll be right' people. 

All it takes is one pang of anxiety, to bring it all that positivity, crashing down around me in one big, loud clang. Everything seems hopeless. My life seems like one big catastrophe, my world is crumbling to bits and weighing down on me. Squashing the happiness from me. 

In that moment I hate it. I hate it. I hate that the smiling, friendly optimistic me has turned, and is now burning me from the inside. 

Today I went to Izzys school for a mothers day morning tea. It went pretty well. I drank coffee and resisted the gleaming array of cakes and biscuits.

One of the teachers fussed about how much me and Izzy looked alike. It was a lovely conversation. 

Afterwards I stood at the door of the classroom block and watched as the kids played outside. Just me there, no distractions and wasn't really paying attention to anything.

As I looked around I felt a warm peaceful wave flow over me. At that moment I felt like everything was going to be alright. My thoughts were the only thing I was listening to, and they were good thoughts. The noise of the playground was blocked out, just a hum, as I listened to me.

"Whatever's happened in the past, is over. It doesn't matter anymore. This is a new beginning, and everything is going to be OK. All that doesn't matter now".

It was a nice feeling, like the clouds had lifted on a beautiful day. To tell the truth it's like it wasn't even me I was hearing, rather than a whisper in my ear.

It would be silly of me to think there'll be no more bouts of crippling anxiety. But for today, I am thankful for that one glorious moment, standing in the doorway of Izzies classroom block.

I am a little bit excited too, because I gave her five bucks to spend at the mothers day stall today. Can't wait to see what she brings home for me :)

Sharing for Thankful Thursday with Rhianna

Pumpkin soup with some spice and a coconut twist

I've been feeling exceptionally shit lately. My anxiety is dreadful at the moment, and I am struggling.

I am recognising that I am eating my emotions and have stacked on the weight. The last few days I have made a pact with myself to move more, and stop binging on crap. I need to drink more water too.

In February I started #flourishinfebruary. For the month I posted three things that went well every day. When February was over I stopped. I shouldn't have stopped, although it's been in the back of my mind ever since. 

In an anxious mind, it's easy to let the trivial shit take over. It takes a lot of mental energy to keep an even keel. Especially when I don't have a lot of understanding, emotional support. So I am going to start doing that again. I found the feedback very supportive.

One way I like to keep busy is cooking stuff. I did that yesterday. Izzy actually did me a huge favour, she put the radio on. I made pumpkin soup, potato bake and a chocolate cake. I really enjoyed doing it with some music. Why don't I do that more?

I've gotten out in the garden the last couple of days too and have realised just how unfit I am. I need to look after me a bit better. I am worthy. My kids are worthy, of a healthy, happy mum. At the moment I am not happy and not healthy. I am not being the best me.

My future if I don't look after myself, is certain diabetes. It would not surprise me if I am knocking on it's door to tell the truth.

I made this for lunch yesterday. It turned out great so I'm sharing the recipe.

This makes heaps. Feel free to halve the recipe.

I served it with a dollop of plain yogurt, some chilli oil and fresh coriander. It's very tasty.

If you don't have chilli oil, add a little with the other spices at the start. 

1 large onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, chopped
2 stalks celery, sliced
1 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon garam masala
2 cm piece of ginger, peeled and grated
2 tablespoons of chopped coriander stalks*
1 x 165 ml tin of coconut milk (I used Pandaroo Lite)
1 kilo of peeled and chopped pumpkin
4-5 cups of water or stock, to cover pumpkin

Heat oil in a large saucepan, add onion and celery. Fry until softened.

Add garlic, ginger, coriander stalks, turmeric and garam masala, and stir for a minute. Pour in coconut milk, stir and add water.

Bring to the boil, then turn down to a simmer. Cover and cook for about 20 minutes.

Take off the heat and blitz with a stick blender.

Serve.

*When I buy fresh coriander from the supermarket, I freeze the leftover stalks and roots. You could plant some in the garden. Right now is a good time.

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