Monday, October 23, 2017

And in the door she walks...I'm back!

You may have noticed I didn't show up for Open Slather Monday last week.

I'd spent the prior four days travelling and visiting with my sons family in Macquarie Fields, south of Sydney.

It had been 12 years too long for me, and seven years for Jake, since either of us had seen them.

My son and I travelled five hours in the car, then flew from Avalon, near Melbourne to Sydney airport. After all that I was even stoked to then jump on a train out the southern suburbs. It had been too long since I had stepped foot on a Sydney train. 

The next few days were amazing. A piece of my heart will always be in Mac Fields, with this family. 

There isn't any place on earth that makes me feel so alive, so at home, so free to be...myself. My heart again, became immediately entwined. Leaving hurts so much, like chunks of meat separating from the fibres of my heart, glued with the strongest adhesive that is love, acceptance and an unspoken understanding. 

The trip home was hard, from the goodbyes at departures to the last leg of the road trip home, where I shook my head, my brain telling my heart to STOP IT, a knowing smile on my face.

I had the chance twenty years ago to pack up and go. Something stopped me, and I can't help sometimes to dwell on it. Especially this last week. I have to realise that the past is the past and I can't spend too much there. What ifs are just that. What was will never be again. My son however, is so blessed to know and have them in his life.

I woke on Sunday morning at 5 am. Jake's nan dropped us off at the airport, we flew at 7:45, then drove again, five hours home. I was knackered and emotional. Emotions I kept to myself, because how can I go back to my husband and tell him I had doubts about leaving my sons father those years ago. I was grieving in a way, of what was. I've been weird all week. 

I know it is all for the best now. But last week I didn't have the physical or emotional energy to blog. I gave myself a break. 

It was quite the trip. It's been a long time since my son and I had travelled together, after all we've been through over the last few years. He handled it like a champion. Even with me crying on the plane home, he asked me in the most beautiful way if I was alright. I told him I always get sad leaving his family. Again his strong yet gentle, caring ways shone through as he told me, "It's alright Mum". And at that moment I knew that everything was alright. 

This trip was meant to happen, the timing was perfect, and the way I was feeling was normal. 

Life is all about the learning, sometimes it's lessons are hard, on our minds and our hearts. The most important thing to learn is that life does go on, and we must embrace every day for what it is, a new beginning and to live in the gorgeous moments that every new day brings. It's also about knowing when you need to cut yourself some slack...


  1. Don't let the dust from the past fool you to think it's glitter. Lovely honest post. Good for you for visiting. And what a lovely young man your son is.

  2. This post made me tear-up Alicia. What a lovely job you have done with your grown son. He sounds amazing and must make you feel so proud. Your words have made me feel proud of my own mothering too, so thank you for this. I hope you feel emotionally settled soon. Xxxx

  3. I wondered what happened last week re the linky! Welcome back :)

    1. will link up later as I'm having trouble uploading the last photo for my post

  4. This is such a beautiful story. Your son’s compassion and empathy does you credit.

  5. Oh have your heart broken open again and in such loving circumstances sound like you haver a lot of 'debriefing' to yourself and keeping in touch with your son's Sydney family seems a priority. A beautiful recount of a special time. D xx

  6. Thanks for sharing this with us!


  7. I hear you about hindsight, imagine if we knew then what we know now. Still, we can't move forwards if we're always looking back. xxxx

  8. What is in the past is the past and will never be the same as it was even if you try to go back to the past. What an amazing young man your son is.

  9. Such a beautiful, honest, real, and raw post, Alicia. Thank you for sharing with us and being so open. All of those emotions flooding in are totally normal. Sit with them and process them in your own time and way. And cherish every minute with your lovely son.



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