Monday, July 8, 2013

The pit falls of fake nails #openslather

I bought some fake nails on sale from our local nails and beauty place, I had some leftover from a voucher I received for my last birthday. I set myself up in the lounge after the kids were asleep, painted my toe nails and started filing my finger nails ready for the fakeys. I matched up and lay them out ready, there was no glue! 

I searched high and low for some glue left over from the previous supermarket jobs I'd used, but couldn't find any. I went to bed feeling a little deflated and a little pissed off, the one time I sit down to do something to make myself feel good, time on my own to do something for me, and it wasn't happening.

I texted my sister in the morning to see if she has any, she did. I let myself in her house, retrieved the glue, replaced the front door key in it's hiding spot and scooted off home to stick on my new claws.

Claws is the word for them, they are longer than the ones I usually use, something that seemed to be oblivious to me just looking at them in the packet. These longer improvements on my natural piss poor excuses for nails instantly became something that was going to take some getting use to. 

Texting. You can't use them to select on a touch screen phone. So I think there may have been some face twisting and total concentration tongue action going on trying to get my finger just right to hit the right letter. It was more like total frustration having to try then push the backspace without pushing 'send' by mistake. The same for eftpos purchases at the supermarket(more like the bottlo)and looking like a total douche(with kickarse nails) after selecting chequing account instead of spendings savings.

Unlocking the child car seat restraint almost had me in fits of laughter and slight panic; after realising I had to use my finger joint push the red button to release the seat belts. I almost asked Izzy to undo it for me... pathetica. But funny as.

Try pushing that release button with this baby...good luck sister!

Changing nappies became a freddie krueger esque mission in reverse, trying not to rip my childs butt into shreds. Not to mention trying to wipe myself. That is after trying to unbutton jeans and deal with a zipper with nails that could penetrate toilet paper at twenty paces! 

Speaking of change. Try undoing a purse zip and then trying to retrieving small change without looking like a totally awkward dick wad. Also I do not recommend trying to change your earrings, especially fiddly studs, do this all before applying the nails, a little foresight goes a long way.

Know anybody that uses keys (while in mid conversation)to clean their ear wax? My dad has a friend that used to(probably still does) do that. It's quite achievable at the moment with my pinky. A word of warning and most definitely too much information, don't go for the pinky nose pick, you might just pierce your brains. If I was a coke snorter I'd be laughing.

As much as they have been a bit of a pain in the arsenal, one does feel just a bit spesh with nice nail couture as fake as they may be.
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  1. The nails look great, but the issues you mention are exactly the reason I don't have fake nails anymore..oh and the fact that I'm a nail biter and have been all my life and I pretty much neglect my hands, so nails don't last long!

    Linking up for open slather today for the first time! I've got 'Mummy Mondays' happening at my blog too :).


    1. Thanks for coming to link up Eva. My nails are always bitten or broken, it's nice to have long ones for something different, but they are highly impractical :)

  2. Fake nails really do make you feel special, I've had gel since January because my own are just so pathetic. BUT now I am letting them grow out it is NOT a pretty sight - my own nails have really taken a hiding. Don't know if I'll bother with fakeys again but never say never!

  3. I've only had fakies once, for my wedding and they were AMAZING, sounded great when I typed but I got the ones that they hack your nails off first - BOO - never again. Must be SUPER hard trying to ordinary stuff with them! xx

  4. Thanks for the laugh this morning - took me back to when mine were young and I settled on short nails as I was always scratching the children.

  5. Love a good rant! Not a nail person myself but I find with all this breastfeeding, my nails grow very well of their own accord :)

    1. My nails grew crazy long towards the end of my pregnancies, I had to cut them, they were not very practical with a newborn. I'm not sure why I wasn't picking at them then, like I do now and pretty much have always done.

  6. They would last about a minute on me!

  7. These days I am sticking with short and chic nails. Mostly unpolished, but I do like a dark polish - black, blue etc - and I really think that only works on short nails.
    When I do grow my nails I do like the clickety click they give when doing things. But impractical - Hell Yeah!
    Bit of fun though

    1. Must say my toe nails are a shade of deep sea blue. $2 on sale at woolies, hidden from Izzy, she loves self painting her nails. Gives me the shits! My shortish nails when the fakeys come off will be given the bluish treatment :)

  8. They look beautiful, but I'm never had fake nails because I don't think I could manage with how impractical they are!

    Sorry I'm a late linker this week - Monday I was a wreck on the couch in the house of sick...


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