Thursday, November 22, 2012

I'm a smoker who doesn't smoke right now....

Day 1

It's a very difficult thing to admit to people. I'm pretty good at hiding it, I fool myself because the smell would give it away. I'm used to the smell, I live with it, I don't notice it, I forget it. But the people around me notice it, they smell it on my clothes, on my breath. I'm sure.

The last time I tried to give up was seventeen years ago. I succeeded....for seven years. I have been a willing smoker for the last ten years. Not something I am proud of. Not something I have shouted from the rooftops. I'm ready. I am in the right mindset, kind of. I've had tears, blubbering from the withdrawal. I laughed at myself for it, knowing full well why I felt down and why I was carrying on like a big baby. It's only day one....as I write this I have survived 32 hours without a fag. I have a long friggin way to go.

I need to do this, for me, for my kids, for our bank account, for my life.
Day 2
I've been getting out of the house and doing more walking

Day 3

So far so good. I have drinking a lot of coffee. I have realised the most stressful part of my day is from five o'clock onwards. The tea time rush, the kids turn to shit at this time of day. Summer doesn't want to go to sleep tonight, it's almost 11 and she is still awake. After two hours of trying to get her to sleep she is sitting on the bean bag watching the Wiggles. I had a cry because I haven't had a break from the kids all day and this is meant to be my time. 

I was tempted to buy a bottle of wine earlier this week as my wind down at the end of the day. I was wary though, and haven't done it, I don't want to replace one demon for another. The reason I started smoking cigarettes ten years ago, was to replace smoking pot. I don't want to make another mistake. I do realise here I am delving into too much information about myself all at once, I may be judged, but I'm painting the whole picture. 

81 hrs = no fags. I feel good physically, breathing easier, I notice it at night time especially. My skin looks better. Mentally, it's taking a toll, I expected that. I'm rewarding myself big time at the end of the week!! I'm tossing up between Whole Larder Loves cook book or a new dress. Lord knows I've saved the money already for the cook book!

Day 4

103 hours. Fag free. I am feeling so positive right now. I walked out of the supermarket today, there were people smoking outside and the smoke smell wasn't nice, I didn't expect that I would find it so revolting so soon. I had fears of smelling it and how I would react, would it make me want one? It didn't. It surprised me. A lady standing under the veranda of the nearby op shop was lighting up. I said to myself, that's not me.  Funnily enough the lady I usually see standing there, who works in the shop, maybe 60 odd years old wasn't. I used to think if she's that old and still smoking then I will be alright. I am such a fool, the mind has so much power, but so does the little stupid voice inside my head that says ridiculous things like that.

I did a calculator estimate thingy yesterday. It says I will save $3500 dollars a year and most importantly I will add 9 years to my life. 9 years!!!! It was like a stab in the heart seeing that figure. Imagine losing nine years with my beautiful kids, denying them of nine years with a Mum.

I am so in the zone right now, I am a smoker, I will always be one, but I don't smoke right now.

I am aware, it is only day four. I'm not sure if any, what day the hill gets steeper, this battle may get worse. A science teacher I once had said of writing essays, that you don't write 'I think.....'. If you write this, then you really don't know, and it is not convincing at all.  I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I will be alright.

Sunday afternoon will be my first goal, one week without a fag. I intend to reward myself. I KNOW I will get there. Stay tuned.

  
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23 comments:

  1. Buy yourself the dress and book you deserve it.

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    1. I've bought the book. Thats enough for making a week :)

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  2. I love that you are doing this and blogging about it. I think it's really honest and really smart! People (myself included) will be here to cheer you on and offer encouragment (and to hold you accountable!). I gave up smoking in 2001. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Giving birth was easier! YOU CAN DO IT!!

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    1. Thanks for your support. I CAN DO IT!

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  3. Well done!!! It's HARD! I need to give up, but I'm not ready mentally yet :-/ Take everyday as it comes & be proud of yourself xo

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    1. I was ready. It would be hard if I wasn't ready and it wouldn't have lasted. I am proud :)

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  4. Yay!!!! Well done you this is so awesome. I have been smoke free since the start of 2010 it does feel pretty awesome and now I look back and wonder how I was ever a smoker.

    Fairy wishes and butterfly kisses

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  5. You are doing brilliantly :) I gave up three times before I finally gave up for good. I have to admit that I still think about it and still feel like having one at times but I just remind myself of the battle I had to give up and the fact that I don't want to go through that battle again. The worst is over now. They say that after the first 24 hours the nicotine is pretty much out of your system so the battle just becomes with yourself and habit. Keep busy and definitely go get that dress. Well done :)

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  6. Well done Alicia! You are doing awesomely. :)

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  7. Well done! It's lots of little steps to climb a mountain, but the first one are the hardest. xxx

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  8. Your going great!!! I gave up 5 years ago when I couldn't stomach it anymore. My body knew it was pregnant, every time I smelt a fag I almost puked. About once a year I still have one, generally it's at one of those crazy girlfriend catch up's that involves lots of booze & crazy dancing!!
    Prue x

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  9. You can do it!!!! I have a friend who loves the fake kind, I think it's called the e-cig? She said it really helps.

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    1. I have heard of those, I know of people who have given up with one of those.

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  10. A very difficult decision but well done. Good luck for the rest of your journey smoke free.

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  11. Hi Alicia, checked this out after seeing your link on the comment you left on my post. My other half is going through similar to this and I swear he could have written exactly the same. Am going to forward him your link! He gave up for four years once but went back to 'full-time' smoking. He's currently not smoking and hasn't smoked since early June. Like you, he's very much wary of other demons and triggers too. He also says once a smoker also a smoker.

    Good luck with your plan; I will be staying tuned and can't wait to see that dress!

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    1. Thanks Laura. I have got the book, but not he dress yet.

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  12. Being a reformed smoker myself, I can appreciate what you're going through. But you can do it. You've listed all the perfectly good reasons to give up so keep at it! Hang in there! A week is an awesome effort :) x

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  13. Go Alicia! Such a great decision for you and your family :)

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  14. Woohoo Alicia! I'm an ex-smoker and understand. You CAN and WILL do it! Yay you!
    x

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  15. Eighth day today! Still going strong :)

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  16. You are amazing Alicia - it will be the best decision you made. I've never been a smoker but my parents and sister were.MY sister has that app and she trots it out every so often - astounding what she has saved besides her health.

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