I miss the stars

It's been a year yesterday, that I gave up smoking. I knew it was getting close. 

It's been a year since I was in the right frame of mind, to say enough is enough.

It must have been a Sunday. 

Boggy had some left over nicotine inhalers, from a failed attempt at giving up. They were up the back of the medicine shelf in the top of the pantry. I got them down, read the instructions and sucked the life out of those babies, like it was oxygen for five days. Then I had to go it alone. 

I walked a lot. Summer in the pram and Izzy riding her bike. I started a week after their birthdays. I used to get stressed because I could never finish a cigarette in peace. That stress was gone.

A year on, I notice the rattle in my breathing is gone. I can breathe easier, and I'm not coughing up globs of phlegm. Pretty gross hey? I'm not sucking carbon monoxide and tar into my body, and at a lower risk of developing over a dozen types of cancer, heart attack, stroke or lung disease. Way to go I reckon.

I would have saved about $4000, probably more going by the price of them now. How do some people manage to live on a wage that is already stretched and smoke as well? Has me buggered! I don't have to carry around a packet with those disgusting pictures on them. They look much worse now I have given up, I was in denial at how bad they were as a smoker. Shrugged it off, tried not look at them.

I used to go out in the freezing cold at night, with a blanket around me and light up. I used to love to look at the stars. I miss looking at the stars. I don't miss the cold or the smokes. But I am aware I am a smoker, I just don't smoke right now.

 A year to the day I had my last fag. On the
way to my sons 21st. Giving up was the right thing
to see the girls turn 21 too.

     

No Smokes, no jokes!

It's been almost two weeks, I haven't had a smoke in twelve days! I'm giving myself a reward too, I deserve it. I am so glad I bit the bullet and went with giving up when I did. I'm glad I swooped in the opportunity now, and not waited. The right time may have not come again for a while, making it harder to give up, the will may have passed me by.

It's given me a huge confidence boost, knowing I am succeeding(so far) with this. The comments I have had from people have been encouraging and supportive.

I was also surprised at the people that had no idea I was a smoker. Congratulating me and admitting they didn't even know, I must have been that good at hiding it, I was sure they'd smelled it on me before. When visitors came, ones that I didn't know well, I didn't go out and have a smoke. I was respectful, I listened to the conversation, and resisted. As soon as they left I was out lunging down a fag.

I never smoked at work, but when I got home I made up for it, it was like a game of catch up. My boss didn't even know for the first few years. I have heard smokers say the same thing, if they didn't or couldn't smoke at work, they would have lots when they got home, to make up for it, to get the nicotine in their system, like the days quota. 

I have rewarded myself this week. I've bought Rohan Andersons cook book. Some of you may have come across Rohans blog, some of you may have not. Rohan lives in an old school house in Ballarat, Victoria. His blog, Whole Larder Love, documents his garden obsession and hunting prowess, whether it be fishing or shooting, and the simple food that comes from his love of self sufficiency. This is his new cook book, I have been wanting to flick my fingers through it since it was released a few months ago. Rohan is also a fantastic photographer, I am looking forward to marvelling (and drooling) at amazing pictures of food! I can say, I can totally afford to buy it this week, because I am not a dag, only dags need fags!

image source: Whole Larder Love

I'm a smoker who doesn't smoke right now....

Day 1

It's a very difficult thing to admit to people. I'm pretty good at hiding it, I fool myself because the smell would give it away. I'm used to the smell, I live with it, I don't notice it, I forget it. But the people around me notice it, they smell it on my clothes, on my breath. I'm sure.

The last time I tried to give up was seventeen years ago. I succeeded....for seven years. I have been a willing smoker for the last ten years. Not something I am proud of. Not something I have shouted from the rooftops. I'm ready. I am in the right mindset, kind of. I've had tears, blubbering from the withdrawal. I laughed at myself for it, knowing full well why I felt down and why I was carrying on like a big baby. It's only day one....as I write this I have survived 32 hours without a fag. I have a long friggin way to go.

I need to do this, for me, for my kids, for our bank account, for my life.

Day 2
I've been getting out of the house and doing more walking

Day 3

So far so good. I have drinking a lot of coffee. I have realised the most stressful part of my day is from five o'clock onwards. The tea time rush, the kids turn to shit at this time of day. Summer doesn't want to go to sleep tonight, it's almost 11 and she is still awake. After two hours of trying to get her to sleep she is sitting on the bean bag watching the Wiggles. I had a cry because I haven't had a break from the kids all day and this is meant to be my time. 

I was tempted to buy a bottle of wine earlier this week as my wind down at the end of the day. I was wary though, and haven't done it, I don't want to replace one demon for another. The reason I started smoking cigarettes ten years ago, was to replace smoking pot. I don't want to make another mistake. I do realise here I am delving into too much information about myself all at once, I may be judged, but I'm painting the whole picture. 

81 hrs = no fags. I feel good physically, breathing easier, I notice it at night time especially. My skin looks better. Mentally, it's taking a toll, I expected that. I'm rewarding myself big time at the end of the week!! I'm tossing up between Whole Larder Loves cook book or a new dress. Lord knows I've saved the money already for the cook book!

Day 4

103 hours. Fag free. I am feeling so positive right now. I walked out of the supermarket today, there were people smoking outside and the smoke smell wasn't nice, I didn't expect that I would find it so revolting so soon. I had fears of smelling it and how I would react, would it make me want one? It didn't. It surprised me. A lady standing under the veranda of the nearby op shop was lighting up. I said to myself, that's not me.  Funnily enough the lady I usually see standing there, who works in the shop, maybe 60 odd years old wasn't. I used to think if she's that old and still smoking then I will be alright. I am such a fool, the mind has so much power, but so does the little stupid voice inside my head that says ridiculous things like that.

I did a calculator estimate thingy yesterday. It says I will save $3500 dollars a year and most importantly I will add 9 years to my life. 9 years!!!! It was like a stab in the heart seeing that figure. Imagine losing nine years with my beautiful kids, denying them of nine years with a Mum.

I am so in the zone right now, I am a smoker, I will always be one, but I don't smoke right now.

I am aware, it is only day four. I'm not sure if any, what day the hill gets steeper, this battle may get worse. A science teacher I once had said of writing essays, that you don't write 'I think.....'. If you write this, then you really don't know, and it is not convincing at all.  I KNOW I can do this. I KNOW I will be alright.

Sunday afternoon will be my first goal, one week without a fag. I intend to reward myself. I KNOW I will get there. Stay tuned.