You may have noticed I didn't show up for Open Slather Monday last week.
I'd spent the prior four days travelling and visiting with my sons family in Macquarie Fields, south of Sydney.
It had been 12 years too long for me, and seven years for Jake, since either of us had seen them.
My son and I travelled five hours in the car, then flew from Avalon, near Melbourne to Sydney airport. After all that I was even stoked to then jump on a train out the southern suburbs. It had been too long since I had stepped foot on a Sydney train.
The next few days were amazing. A piece of my heart will always be in Mac Fields, with this family.
There isn't any place on earth that makes me feel so alive, so at home, so free to be...myself. My heart again, became immediately entwined. Leaving hurts so much, like chunks of meat separating from the fibres of my heart, glued with the strongest adhesive that is love, acceptance and an unspoken understanding.
The trip home was hard, from the goodbyes at departures to the last leg of the road trip home, where I shook my head, my brain telling my heart to STOP IT, a knowing smile on my face.
I had the chance twenty years ago to pack up and go. Something stopped me, and I can't help sometimes to dwell on it. Especially this last week. I have to realise that the past is the past and I can't spend too much there. What ifs are just that. What was will never be again. My son however, is so blessed to know and have them in his life.
I woke on Sunday morning at 5 am. Jake's nan dropped us off at the airport, we flew at 7:45, then drove again, five hours home. I was knackered and emotional. Emotions I kept to myself, because how can I go back to my husband and tell him I had doubts about leaving my sons father those years ago. I was grieving in a way, of what was. I've been weird all week.
I know it is all for the best now. But last week I didn't have the physical or emotional energy to blog. I gave myself a break.
It was quite the trip. It's been a long time since my son and I had travelled together, after all we've been through over the last few years. He handled it like a champion. Even with me crying on the plane home, he asked me in the most beautiful way if I was alright. I told him I always get sad leaving his family. Again his strong yet gentle, caring ways shone through as he told me, "It's alright Mum". And at that moment I knew that everything was alright.
This trip was meant to happen, the timing was perfect, and the way I was feeling was normal.
Life is all about the learning, sometimes it's lessons are hard, on our minds and our hearts. The most important thing to learn is that life does go on, and we must embrace every day for what it is, a new beginning and to live in the gorgeous moments that every new day brings. It's also about knowing when you need to cut yourself some slack...
